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Mail from Malaysia SHORT STORIES Guilty as charged your Honour! I don't care what the so called 12 tried and true jurors had to say on the matter, or what their verdict was. The fact is the Minister was guilty of failure to declare the amount of money, and no amount of politically correct verdicts, will ever change that. We are not talking about whether or not the money was tainted, that is not the issue, the issue is very clear, did he, or did he not, fail to declare! The Minister in question, is a very well traveled man, is very highly educated, is certainly not a moron, and reads, writes and speaks perfectly good English. In fact as much as I hate to say this, the guy is probably higher educated than me, seeing as I only completed grade 4 primary before I was expelled for running a betting shop on the school grounds.
A friend said to me some months ago, that with what I know about some politicians, and some Government departments, I should write a book. An interesting thought, and perhaps one day I might, but not while I'm living here mate. Anyway, there are others in this country that have been caught with unexplainably large amounts of money on their person, it is a very common occurrence here, and there is almost an item a week in the local daily about it. One case out of today's newspaper. "Police have arrested a former bank officer who absconded with A$6.3 million, of which it is believed he used to repay his debts." My God! What was the guy doing to incur debts amounting to that much! I have trouble getting credit for 50 cents, let alone a million bucks!  Go Well, Go Shell. Remember that slogan from years ago? Maybe they still use it in Australia, I don't know. Today I rolled into one of the local Shell petrol stations on my bike for a bit of fuel. Just as the attendant, (yes, we still have them here.), was beginning to fill the tank, the manager rushed over and stuck a great big ice cream in my hand. Something to do with a promotion I think, but I didn't actually have too much time to ask.
Sitting there trying to balance a 440 lb. bike while it gets fuel, holding an ice cream in one hand, struggling to get my full face helmet off with the other. I must have made an hilarious picture, I think it was only their politeness that stopped them from laughing. I eventually managed to get the bike over to the office building, get my helmet off, after removing my sunnies of course, and then got stuck into the ice cream. Very nice too I might add, as it was a very hot day and I was almost melting. No pun intended.  Being Asia, there are food vendors on almost every corner, and they sell a great variety of different things. On the corner of the parking lot at one of the supermarkets here, there is a guy with a little aluminium stall, (they are about 1 mte X 2 mte), selling hamburgers and hot dogs. They are really the most excellent hamburgers, and having one with the lot, is a culinary delight that no-one should miss. You get a choice of chicken or beef base, with tomato, cucumber, mayonnaise, sauce, egg, and cheese. The cost? A$1.30, and worth every cent. Anyway I digress a little here.
The story goes like this, my wife and I were sitting at his stall waiting for our hamburgers to be cooked and assembled, (assembled?) and a Father came out of the supermarket with his two children and four large bags of groceries. The kids were about 5 and 7 years of age, and they went to a small 70cc Honda scooter that was parked nearby. All I can say is that it was certainly an experience to watch him patiently load the plastic bags in to the basket of the bike, and also hang some from the handlebars, then he hopped on, followed by the two children. They wore two crash helmets, well, I say wore, but they were just sitting on their heads, the youngest child had to go without. He managed quite all right, and drove away completely in control and well balanced. Three on a bike! Well, I have seen a family of five on a little scooter, and that's when it gets hairy. I think the kids here are actually born on a motorcycle, so that they have no fear of them as they grow up.  Driving along in my van means that I am seated a little higher than a normal sedan, about the same as a Toorak Tractor, (4 wheel drive to all those outside of Melbourne). Now and again I have noticed people driving their cars and they have a child on their lap. The child's age can range from a 6 month old baby to a 5 year old.
The first time I saw it, I was a little concerned, as it is not the best way to restrain a child in a vehicle, but the more you see it, the more you become accustomed to it. But the Father I saw recently really takes the cake, he had not one, but two children on his lap whilst he was driving through the centre of town in peak hour traffic, and both were under four years of age. To top it off, he was driving a Volvo! Need I say more?  Is it too much to ask? Have I become such a perfectionist in my twilight years that I no longer put up with the smallest of inadequacies? Am I the one that has lost the plot here? What am I talking about? Words! Dialogue! Voices! Verbal utterances! Speech! That's what! Looking to re-live a little of my misspent childhood, I thought I might catch a few old Bugs Bunny cartoons. You know, the type of thing you would do yourself, half a little laugh at the slapstick antics, enter the world of humorous imagination for half an hour. But no! I was robbed of that small but expected pleasure.
How? They had replaced the spoken sound track with a musical one, and the mouths moved but no words were to be heard. Why did they do it, (NTV7 Producers that is), I don't have a darn clue mate! I tried lip reading for a while, but I have never lip read a rabbit before, and found it quite tiresome, and the jokes weren't as funny. The explosions and the scenes where Bugs gets smacked on the head with a two ton rock, just didn't seem quite right somehow. Oh well.  Cough, cough, eyes are smarting, breathing is difficult. Hey, what is all this smoke doing here in Kuantan? Yes folks, the place has been shrouded in a heavy pall of smoke for more than a week now, and the authorities have done nought about it. It is emanating from several large tracts of land in surrounding areas that are being burnt off, all in the name of progress. I haven't quite been able to come to grips with this type of mentality as yet.
The locals whinge and moan about the air quality here in Malaysia, but they continue to burn down the eco system like it was the plague. Regardless of the poor air quality, you can still see householders everywhere lighting up there piles of rubbish and dead leaves etc. out front of their houses. It seems to be some sort of ritual, and always begins just prior to sunset, never in the morning or during the day. Like a competition to see who can make the most smoke, but there are no winners, only losers.  "Morgue Workers Lose Baby!" Yes, you saw it here first folks. They actually lost one! The father of seven children, Mr Chandra, had related how his wife had given birth to a baby which unfortunately died a short time later. In this country, as is the case in many parts of Asia, the relatives of deceased can claim the bodies and take them home, or wherever they wish, for burial.
As most people prefer to be buried in their original village or home town, it is common practise to return to such places for the burial ceremonies. So Mr Chandra was told by the nursing staff that the baby would go to the mortuary for a postmortem and then he could collect the body the following day. When he went to collect it, the mortuary staff said it had not been sent to them. Returning to the nurses he was shown records that the body had been definitely sent there. Going back to the mortuary, the head honcho there said they had misplaced the body and had no idea where it was, but would A$500 help to cover your loss? What? Was that a bribe then? Mr Chandra asked them to explain what they meant, and was promptly offered double the amount if he would forget all about it and not take any action. Yes, I am serious here folks, this type of thing happens almost daily. Needless to say he immediately lodged a Police report and now the hospital Director has launched an investigation. The results should be quite interesting don't you think.  Some months ago I mentioned an article I had seen in the local daily that told of an elderly couple, (the husband was in his 80's), that won first prize in a major lottery here in Malaysia. They had gone to court as the wife wanted full control of the 2 million plus, but the judge put the money in trust until the case was finalised.
The results were in the newspaper the other day, and the High Court Judge handed down his decision. The husband was to receive his half immediately, and the wife was to have her half, and they were allowed to do with it what they wished. Apparently the wife was concerned that her husband would spend some of it on the second wife! Aha, see, the poor guy has double the expense of the rest of you. Even the daughter got in on the act, and applied to the court for a one third share, what her rationale was, I have no idea. Maybe she figured she should get a third as she was the daughter, or maybe it was just plain greed that prompted the action. Who cares? The end result will be that they will waste the money, and in less than a year I am willing to bet there is nothing left of it, and they have nothing to show for it. Poetic justice!  Below is an email from a friend called John. I have pasted it here so you lot out there can see what I actually receive via this amazing electronic information highway that I fly along constantly. All spelling errors are his and I make no apologies for his more than vivid imagination, his mind seems to drift along on the same wave lengths that Jimmy Hendrix used to. And we all know what happened to him!
*<"Dear Handhorny, I continue to enjoy your Asian fantasies (or is it possible that you are actually there, and just reporting what really happens?). It has been a bit of a job focusing on the parochial, the truly trivial, which is the burden of the column, while all the time conversing with aliens concerning the cosmic imponderables. Actually, I would love to pass on the unutterable wisdom of these highly-advanced and benevolently-inclined unipods, but in fact they are just as confused as your average Earthling. They are always asking me for advice, and I always tell them, 'go and talk to that Anthony Lee, he's a wise guy'. But they just keep drinking my beer and looking up conspiracy theory sites on the internet. They say they will leave when I agree to tell them what's really going on. Regards John…..">* TO REG; Too kind , too kind, but thank you for the nice things you have said about the Australian Abroad web site. Typically Canadian, I have always liked you people. I would reproduce your email here, but the Editors might see it, and offer you my job, and we can't have that can we. Here comes the serious stuff, and I will keep it brief for your benefit. For the type of holiday that you have described, there are not many places in Malaysia that fit the bill, but Kuantan is one of them. You lucky dog, you! (what happened to the serious stuff?). Medical Care. Yes there is a very large and up to date public hospital, and also a very modern and efficient private hospital. There are several dentists about the town. Although I have only ever gone to one, I don't see that the others would not be as good. Currency. Bring US dollars, today's rate is 3.8 Malaysian Ringitt. Entertainment. There would be at least a dozen 'discos', plus another 4 or 5 in the larger hotels for you to choose from, and a handful of intimate type bars/restaurants. But I use the word Disco rather loosely, but I think you'll get the picture. Although there are a lot of other outdoor type activities, including Hashing, if you feel that way inclined. No, this place is not "crowded with hundreds of small stalls" all selling the same (factory mass produced) hand made crafts as you would find in places like Bali. Thank goodness for that I say! No Reg, I don't think there are any Canadians actually in the town here, but if I meet any between now and when you come over, I'll arrange a welcome party for you. Did I forget anything? Here is the link for a good English language local daily paper, which is one of my secret sources for much mirth and merriment. < www.thestar.com.my > Take Care, ANTHONY. (Wherever I go, that's where I am.) June 1998 |