Bush Wins: We Think

I had always thought that I could explain American politics and economic policies to anyone. I modestly thought I had a firm grip on the what it meant to be an American. Even though I'm not one, after being married for 19 years to an American journalist and being a reporter myself and living in Washington D.C. I was confident I had it all figured out.

Well, reality hit like a brick in the early hours of Wednesday morning, when I was awoken at 6 a.m. after only two hours sleep, to hear my sister (calling from Brisbane) asking "what are those seppos doing over there, can't they make up their minds about a simple election?" She had a point.

But I didn't have a believable answer.

"This is democracy in its purest form," I offered.

"Bull," said my sister, after all it was 8 p.m. in the evening there, she'd probably been sampling a new drop of Brown Brothers.

She asked me to explain how 100 million people could be split almost 50-50 in their vote for two candidates who had very different policies.

"Both candidates were pretty ordinary, no one liked either much, so even though turnout was heavier than expected, they each got about 50% of the vote," I said, trying to sound like I believed what I was saying.

"Oh please," my sister said.

She then asked me why West Palm Beach County had more than it's fair share of really stupid people.

"Florida is a strange state, sort of like Queensland, there are a lot of retired people there, they eat dinner at 3 p.m. and wear those funny sun glasses over their normal classes, making them all look like beetles," I told her with real authority.

"So that means they can't read?" my sister asked.

"Well how come the guy who got the most votes didn't win?" my sister asked, certain she'd stumped me.

"There's this thing called the electoral college. No they don't have a football team, it's a bunch of old guys who actually get to decide who wins," I said, knowing full well that this pathetic attempt to sound smart had fallen flat.

"Have you been drinking?" my sister asked.

Ignoring her remarks, I plowed straight on, telling her with great authority, after all I was a journalist I knew everything, why the television stations first announced George Bush had won, then decided to retract it because, hey, voting hadn't finished.

"There's this special service that supplies all the networks with exit polling results, then the announcers, you know Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw, look real seriously into the camera and say who's won which state like they had special inside information, well this news service made a mistake," I said.

"And they call us a banana republic," my sister opined.

She, of course, was right, which is another rarity.

Later that day, I decided to ask my American friends to help me explain to my Australian friends exactly what was happening here.

"It's historic," said one friend, a lawyer. "George Bush needs to realize he's lost, he didn't win the popular vote."

"But, isn't it written that he who wins the Electoral College wins the election?" I queried, thinking maybe I misunderstood that bit.

"Well we need to change that, I've always hated the Electoral College," my lawyer friend said.

"You mean change it now, in the middle of an election? Isn't that like moving the goal posts in the middle of a game?" I asked.

"It would be the fairest thing to do," my lawyer friend said. He had to leave then to go work the phones in Al Gore's new war room, with the new 800 number so those displaced West Palm Beach County voters could call to tell their stories of disenfranchisement.

Never one to be swayed and growing increasingly more confused, I asked another American friend, the president of our local high school's Parent Teacher Association.

"It's easy," she said. "It's never fair if your guy loses by such a small amount, that's why we have all these lawyers."

"Isn't it a little embarrassing though, I mean the entire world is looking on as the candidates and their supporters behave like a bunch of silly, spoilt kids," I asked. I really meant that bit too. Do you think either man will concede for the good of the country?" I asked as we wrapped cookies left over from the election day bake sale.

"Heck no, this is America, neither one will give up," she said.

As she left, my friend offered another piece of advise to help me understand the American Psyche (something I thought I had figured out until now).

"Remember, this is America, we don't like change and we don't like injustice and we will fight all the way to the end to preserve that."

"Oh, so the 'not liking change' thing would also explain why 21 years after Congress approved a change to the metric system, America still hasn't done it?" I queried.

"Yes, you're beginning to understand."

I called my sister back last night, she was awake but said she had a headache.

"You following the elections still?" I asked.

"Yes, I just watched Fidel Castro offer to send a team of election watchers up to Florida to help count the votes," my sister said, I think I detected a slight giggle in her voice. "I think that was very nice of him, do you think he's sending out an olive branch to the new president, whoever he is?"